parenting is a mirror

so after having the best morning as a parent and then having the worst afternoon, i have realized that parenting is really like a true mirror...you know, one of those mirrors that doesnt show you a reversed reflection of yourself like you have at home, but a true mirror...where you see what you truly look like to everyone else.

parenting shows you who you truly are...the good...the bad...and the ugly!

i have enjoyed seeing the good of myself coming through my kids...the manners and empathy and creativity...and i have enjoyed learning about my strengths and abilities as a mom, and that i am stronger than i thought i was, and that i can rely more on God than i was.

i dont even mind the bad really...the little things that i could be better at, the bad habits i have passed on to my kids like grinding teeth and wanting to pull on cat's tails...eeep

but the ugly...ugh....really really bad. i have been learning about what a selfish person i really am...and also how i really do have a temper and absolutely no patience at times. i am a yelling mom...i truly hate that about myself, and i keep trying to fix it and pray daily for me to not yell so much and to not break my kid's spirits. granted i am dealing with a 3 year old who is too smart for his own good and who really needs to still be napping but wont...and also an 8 month old who just learned to crawl so will no longer stay put in any way shape or form. but still...i dont want to be a yelling mom anymore. i want to be a mom who isnt selfish with herself to her kids or her husband...yes, i think its good to be a little selfish so you retain some sense of self, but not where its trumping your time with your family. i want to not try to fit the kids into my day, but instead fit my day into my kids. i am a stay at home mom, and need to treat being a "mom" as my priority...not being selfish and treating the kids like an inconveniece in my day.

i love my kids with everything in me and i am completely glad that i am a stay at home mom (theres only the occassional moment where i TRULY wish i was still working, but its usually short lived)...i just want to be the mom and wife that God intended for me to be. i want to stop getting so angry at the kids and then truly being angry with myself for being angry at the kids. i want to stop stressing jeff out when he gets home from work by being ready to throw the kids at him because i've had it and need a time out. i feel bad that he continually sees me at my worst with them as he only really sees me and kids together at the end of the day when all my buttons have been pressed so many times that they cant be popped back out again that day.

i want the goodness of most mornings to stick through the afternoons and evenings as best they can ( i know days arent going to be perfect, and as my friend kelley reminded me, even june cleaver only had to be a parent for 30 mins a day) so that we can be a loving family inside and out and so my kids can learn what TO DO from me instead of what NOT to do.so i really need God to change me right now...and i need to really stop scrutinizing myself in the mirror.

a new and improved me...or so i hope...

so...i am trying desprately to fit a little more of my "angie" life into my daily routine...and that is going to mean some sacrifice on my end...and i'm sure some on jeff's end.

i had been doing the dance praise DDR for exercise for awhile, and love it, but the problem has been finding time to do it....and then jeff had a major deadline at work, and we've been crazy busy, so yeah...time got even less and less....but jeff really wants me to be able to have time to exercise.

so after doing it for the first time in weeks this weekend, i realized that it not only makes me feel better, but it also makes me eat healthier. that combined with the extreme embarrassment that an XL belt from walmart no longer is big enough for me to even button on the first hole, has really prompted me to kickstart getting into better shape...i want to be a mom that can keep up with her kids, and not let someone else do the chasing in a game of chase.

so i am going to start getting up at 7am as much as possible, to be able to work out, eat breakfast, and shower before jeff has to go to work....this of course meaning that i absolutely cant be a night owl anymore if i am going to do this...so please, if any of you see me on the comp after 11pm, please tell me to go to bed! i really need to be getting into bed by then so i have a enough sleep to function the next day.

anyways...i just wanted to get this in "writing" somewhere, so that i am more apt to be accountable for it....here goes nothing!

angie